The Wild and Wicked Revenge of the Kitty
By Mary Ruth Charette
They say cats have nine lives. While that may indeed be true, cats most certainly have probably at least twice as
many revenge tactics. In my humble observed opinion, this applies to all cats of all backgrounds, pedigrees, ages,
strays and indoor felines alike.
I have had a cat my whole life. My present feline companion is now eleven but acts much younger. Like most cats,
he is independent and has his own clear perimeters regarding his wants and his turf. I lived next to a busy road for
years and he was an indoor cat for his first four years. I moved and now he has a complete outdoor kingdom with
the added bonus of his own castle. It is actually a barn but we are talking about a cat here. Nevertheless, he reigns
with a smug and conceited look on his face as he saunters around leisurely.
I am convinced he has been getting back at me ever since he discovered “outside”. If I was paranoid and believed
this, the cat has been winning the war paws down. Here are some, certainly not all, of the completely well thought
out and discharged battle plans of my previously thought of sweet and fluffy kitty.
1. He leaves half dead but still writhing snakes on my doorstep. I am so afraid of snakes I can barely stand to write
the word.
2. He assumes bizarre, twisted positions on pieces of lawn furniture that make me think he is actually dead, not just
fake sleeping. He will hang his head backwards into the open air while on his back and twist various other parts of
his body 90 degrees.
3. It is a successful day in Kittyville Kingdom; when new parents bring their newborn over and he has been
particularly bored. He will come sauntering around cutely and then just hiss and spit around their baby. This of
course horrifies new mothers who are in their worst ever baby protective mode.
4. He learned much from TV during those first four years. He is quite familiar with army Special Forces teams. He
excels at lying patiently on his stomach, just laying in wait for me to stumble out of bed in the dark. He is lucky
enough to already have night vision and no need for heavy packs with high tech gear, (he has stealth, speed and
built in claws and teeth). He waits till just the right moment to attack. He will zing out of nowhere in the dark and
successfully trip me, sending me into sharp objects and hard countertops. A particularly satisfying mission is to
make me trip over the dog first when I need to vomit in a hurry.
5. He knows how to work the fiscal social system well. He knows if he pretends to find work and doesn’t catch
enough mice he will still be housed and fed. He knows at worst during a recession he will still get section 8 housing in
the barn. He knows in the big picture his unemployment and Medicare benefits will never run dry.
6. Adult male cats like to work alone as a rule, the mindset being more attention and good stuff for them. This cat
works hard at not only keeping friends away but pissing off the neighbors as well. He quite literally pisses all over
their belongings outside; he sprays their tires, toys and furniture with equal gusto and delight. He always appears to
have a satisfied look on his face while partaking this smelly and annoying hobby.
7. He is naturally nocturnal; there is no reason at all you shouldn’t be (if you are a cat). Any rustling paper, single
marble (especially noisy on a tiled floor), anything in general is apparatus for party time at two AM. The more noise
the better.
8. He knows all too well of how to play the game of “Blame it on the Dog.” He will wait for the opportune time of you
leaving the kitchen, quickly leaping on the table and knocking food on floor. The dog, not having the superior IQ
level of the lovely kitty will of course eat the roast beef slices. And of course be blamed.
It seems the kitty always wins. The kitty had some burrs entangled deeply and quite widespread through his self
described luscious mane (at least that is what you might think while seeing him wash himself). It was time to for a
professional kitty clean up which included a bath and brush out. “Ha!! I thought to myself, “Quite a surprise YOU will
get Mr. Kitty!”
Knowing all to well the scratching and clawing that accompanies kitty grooming at home I figured on a hefty tip. I
reached the kitty spa just as he was finishing up, on his back, purring and acting like he was the World’s Best Kitty
Ever.
Yeah, the kitty always wins around here. And I fully expect this kitty to live to be twenty, NEVER forgetting those four
years he was inside.
By Mary Ruth Charette
They say cats have nine lives. While that may indeed be true, cats most certainly have probably at least twice as
many revenge tactics. In my humble observed opinion, this applies to all cats of all backgrounds, pedigrees, ages,
strays and indoor felines alike.
I have had a cat my whole life. My present feline companion is now eleven but acts much younger. Like most cats,
he is independent and has his own clear perimeters regarding his wants and his turf. I lived next to a busy road for
years and he was an indoor cat for his first four years. I moved and now he has a complete outdoor kingdom with
the added bonus of his own castle. It is actually a barn but we are talking about a cat here. Nevertheless, he reigns
with a smug and conceited look on his face as he saunters around leisurely.
I am convinced he has been getting back at me ever since he discovered “outside”. If I was paranoid and believed
this, the cat has been winning the war paws down. Here are some, certainly not all, of the completely well thought
out and discharged battle plans of my previously thought of sweet and fluffy kitty.
1. He leaves half dead but still writhing snakes on my doorstep. I am so afraid of snakes I can barely stand to write
the word.
2. He assumes bizarre, twisted positions on pieces of lawn furniture that make me think he is actually dead, not just
fake sleeping. He will hang his head backwards into the open air while on his back and twist various other parts of
his body 90 degrees.
3. It is a successful day in Kittyville Kingdom; when new parents bring their newborn over and he has been
particularly bored. He will come sauntering around cutely and then just hiss and spit around their baby. This of
course horrifies new mothers who are in their worst ever baby protective mode.
4. He learned much from TV during those first four years. He is quite familiar with army Special Forces teams. He
excels at lying patiently on his stomach, just laying in wait for me to stumble out of bed in the dark. He is lucky
enough to already have night vision and no need for heavy packs with high tech gear, (he has stealth, speed and
built in claws and teeth). He waits till just the right moment to attack. He will zing out of nowhere in the dark and
successfully trip me, sending me into sharp objects and hard countertops. A particularly satisfying mission is to
make me trip over the dog first when I need to vomit in a hurry.
5. He knows how to work the fiscal social system well. He knows if he pretends to find work and doesn’t catch
enough mice he will still be housed and fed. He knows at worst during a recession he will still get section 8 housing in
the barn. He knows in the big picture his unemployment and Medicare benefits will never run dry.
6. Adult male cats like to work alone as a rule, the mindset being more attention and good stuff for them. This cat
works hard at not only keeping friends away but pissing off the neighbors as well. He quite literally pisses all over
their belongings outside; he sprays their tires, toys and furniture with equal gusto and delight. He always appears to
have a satisfied look on his face while partaking this smelly and annoying hobby.
7. He is naturally nocturnal; there is no reason at all you shouldn’t be (if you are a cat). Any rustling paper, single
marble (especially noisy on a tiled floor), anything in general is apparatus for party time at two AM. The more noise
the better.
8. He knows all too well of how to play the game of “Blame it on the Dog.” He will wait for the opportune time of you
leaving the kitchen, quickly leaping on the table and knocking food on floor. The dog, not having the superior IQ
level of the lovely kitty will of course eat the roast beef slices. And of course be blamed.
It seems the kitty always wins. The kitty had some burrs entangled deeply and quite widespread through his self
described luscious mane (at least that is what you might think while seeing him wash himself). It was time to for a
professional kitty clean up which included a bath and brush out. “Ha!! I thought to myself, “Quite a surprise YOU will
get Mr. Kitty!”
Knowing all to well the scratching and clawing that accompanies kitty grooming at home I figured on a hefty tip. I
reached the kitty spa just as he was finishing up, on his back, purring and acting like he was the World’s Best Kitty
Ever.
Yeah, the kitty always wins around here. And I fully expect this kitty to live to be twenty, NEVER forgetting those four
years he was inside.
New Hampshire Writers Pet Stories
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